The past year has been interesting to say the least. Learning to live again, remembering all that you’ve forgotten in the midst of pain’s grip on your sight, and the learning of a new level of forgiveness… I found this the other day; a journal entry from 12 days before life threw me a curve ball, and I’m so grateful I found it.
“May 1st, 2016
I am grateful for discernment and the reminder of God’s grace. I’m grateful to be loved and to be awake enough to see it, feel it to learn it’s deeper meaning in the form of a verb, a noun a state of being.
I’m grateful to have somehow acquired the knowledge that triggers are reminders and are only brought to light to be healed and loved. And for me to see the blessing in each scenario I once held so much hate for.
Divine orchestration… there is no other word for it. When i connect this with vision i feel a breath taking beauty, a release from what I thought something was into what a profound truth it has become.
In seven years of pregnancy and single motherhood I fought many battles with myself and I’m grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned. I’m grateful to be reminded to consider these lessons and take them with me and leave the rest. They are divine tools and my expectation is that they will continue to heal, develop and show themselves to me as time proceeds on. I am grateful for these lessons… These tools…
- Resilency beyond imaginable belief
- Importance of knowing your/my key priorities, what I really value, what I really want out of this life for my kids and for myself.
- How to say no effectively
- How to push forward when I felt like there was nothing left inside to push with “perseverance”.
- Self Accountability
- Levels of self discipline
- How to reach beyond resource in the physical sense deep into faith
- Efficient and effectiveness
- Self Reliance
- How to push imaginary Limits
- Power of Prayer
- How to be seen and heard
- How to walk through Grief
- Levels of forgiveness
- The importance of caring for myself first
- The importance of creativity and play
- I learned the importance of working on myself
- Leadership without designation
- How to be happy
- How to be grateful
- Value of Friendship
- How to make not enough Enough
- How to release
- How to Invest
- How to motivate myself beyond human belief
- How to run
- How to own my own mistakes
- Beginning to own my own greatness
- Sharing the experiences that I love are truly the ones that have the biggest imprint.
- How to apologize, how to ask for Forgiveness
- How to pull myself out of a rut
- How to love what I do and pursue only that with a fierce focused intention
- How to plan
- How to follow through
- How to communicate in such a way that I don’t freak out
- How to burn old patterns, beliefs and cycles
- How to say I love you
- How to stand my own ground
- The Power of just showing up
- What to take initiative for and what to leave alone
- How to get out of the way of someone else’s lesson
- It’s okay to cry and freak out for a minute because on the other side of it is both faith and conviction.
- True strength
- Trust my own path
- Reach for God
- How to light a light
- How to let people come in and how to let people go without force
- To look at my own beliefs and patterns
- How to look at what I thought I was and let it go
- How to find others gifts and my own”
I’ve kept a gratitude journal for going on ten years off and on now. I keep other journals too, one for releasing mental and emotional garbage, one for personal development and of course this one… one for gratitude. Sometimes they’re long like this one and sometimes their short and sweet.
These are the moments though that I am reminded of why I keep them to begin with.
Crying and feeling relieved simultaneously could at a far distance begin to describe how it felt to read these words. I’ve been in need of wisdom and through the course of my own growth I allowed it to be there waiting for me when I needed it. I’ve been reminded of the inner voice, the small still voice that really has all the wisdom, all of the knowledge and all the direction. I’ve been reminded that it only takes a moment of clarity to focus on the larger picture, see it with awe and be clothed in the grace of lessons learned and sanity returning.
The power of just showing up, just writing it down, just listening for five minutes, of just giving the present your presence in a state of observation can change things dramatically and remind you of your real inner nature.
Reading my own dialogue back to myself has given me a shove back into sanity where I remember that love is not specialness, and forgiveness is not about behavior. And above all to quote a lesson from A Course In Miracles “I do not know what anything is for”. The allowance and honesty in the admission that you do not know opens doors for understanding and for healing.